Our cherished relationships often started with small talk.
Summer’s here and with it there will be lineups for concerts and ice cream, barbeques with people we may not know, and possibly delays at an airport. These are all perfect places to engage in small talk with a stranger. And before we had computers in our pockets, that’s exactly what we did.
Today, the value and purpose of small talk are often overlooked or dismissed. It’s regarded as superficial, meaningless and, for many, extremely awkward.
Small Talk Creates Comfort
Think about standing in a line, by yourself, surrounded by strangers. You’ve already checked your phone several times and there’s nothing there that fully captures your attention. But you keep looking at it, mindlessly scrolling because, well… strangers!
However, when you start a conversation with someone nearby, you relax – and so do the people around you. The wait in line no longer seems onerous. Time passes more quickly.
These very ordinary, seemingly unimportant conversations help you build and strengthen the skills you rely on for conversations in the workplace, in your most cherished relationships, in your healthcare experiences, and when you travel. In all of these cases, and many more, you learn to interact with strangers using your curiosity, confidence, presence and spontaneity.
Small talk gives you a low-stakes way to practice the first 30 seconds of a conversation, something many people find the most difficult. You’ll learn important social cues, such as when to listen and when to continue. And you’ll discover how trust and relationships are not built instantly but through a series of small interactions.
Many of our business relationships begin and continue to include small talk. Consider, for instance, the chatter around a boardroom table before a meeting starts. Or how sales conversations often include everything from the weather to the recent sports scores.
Small talk is a human connection that creates an instant community around a shared experience. You don’t need to say something big or important, but in many cases, you’ll build something that becomes a valued relationship.
For example:
Around 1984, I became a Big Sister. I attended the organization’s training with about 20 other women before the matching process began. During a break, I struck up a conversation with one of the other women. In the 42 years since that first conversation, we’ve run a business together, shared the early arrival of her first child, shown up with countless meals and hugs, and continue to support each other through life’s journeys of cancer, caregiving and loss. All because of small talk.
And around 2008, while enjoying snacks at a mentoring event, I had a conversation with another facilitator. Today, I know my success as “The Phone Lady” is deeply tied to Linda Daley’s skills, imagination and support. She proofs, polishes and posts this blog, continually revises my website, shares amazing ideas and is an incredible friend. All because of small talk.
The Mindset Shift
Own the fact that “small” talk does not mean insignificant; it means there’s no pressure. It isn’t an important destination; it’s a doorway to creating stronger relationships with colleagues, a more enjoyable wait at an airport or a valuable, long-lasting friendship.
Try This This Week
Start a conversation with someone you would normally pass by. Maybe:
- someone standing beside you in line
- another parent at a sporting event
- a fellow passenger
- a neighbour
- a colleague you meet at the coffee machine
You don’t need a brilliant opening. A simple observation or question is enough: the weather, upcoming vacations, a restaurant you enjoyed, a movie you’ve seen, or your optimism about your favourite baseball/soccer team.
And take a few moments to think about the people you interact with regularly, both at work and personally. How did that relationship get started? I guarantee that some of them began with small talk. (It would be delightful if you shared your stories in the comment section below!)
