Words That Weaken Our Conversations – Conversation Principle #9

Effective conversations rely on confident words. 

I often get asked, “How did you become The Phone Lady?” I’ll tell the story about a colleague and friend of mine, Sean McDermott, who insisted (back in 2004) that I needed to teach people how to improve their phone conversations. I resisted, but he backed up his belief by providing me with the office space to validate the idea. In 2006, “The Phone Lady” was born. 

But there’s an earlier experience that had a huge impact. In 1987, I quit my job as a real estate journalist at Canada’s largest magazine publisher and started my first business. I hadn’t given any thought to what my day-to-day “job” would be in this new company. It turned out that my existing phone skills, which had gotten me through university as a receptionist and then helped me do interviews as a journalist, meant I became the salesperson. 

This involved calling companies throughout Canada, speaking to senior executives and then mailing out (yes, through Canada Post) additional material. I had great conversations. People were curious and interested, but I sold nothing. 

Hoping to solve this problem, I began recording my calls. (In the olden days, this involved attaching a cassette player to my landlines!) Listening to myself, the problem became very clear. I was undermining my message by using words that expressed both nervousness and a lack of confidence. Once I changed my language, the sales happened. 

When reviewing the calls of clients today as part of my coaching curriculum, I still hear these nervous, insecure words that destroy the value of the conversation. It happens in sales, customer service and between team members and colleagues. 

Words that Add a Note of Apology or Self-doubt to Business Conversations 

1. Words that minimize

Just, as in “I’m just checking in,” or “I just wanted to ask,” or “I’m just following up,” or “I just thought I’d mention.” 

Other minimizers include “a little”, “a bit”, “small”, “only”. These words are often meant to reassure the listener but, unintentionally, they diminish the importance of what follows.

2. Words that signal uncertainty

There’s a long list of these words that are ideal in some situations, but in others, they delay, confuse and destroy opportunities: 

• perhaps
• hopefully
• wondering
• possibly
• probably
• might
• could
• I guess
• I think
• I suppose

Consider the impact of “I was wondering if maybe we could possibly find some time to talk,” versus “I’d like to schedule time to talk.”

3. Words that make the listener responsible for our purpose

These are words and phrases that sound courteous and polite. But what they actually do is transfer responsibility for the next step to the listener. Examples include “If you’d like to return my call…”, “Whenever you get a chance…”, “If you happen to have some time…”, and “Feel free to contact me…”

If continuing a conversation matters, don’t disguise that fact. Instead of saying, “If you’d like to give me a call sometime…” say “I’m available throughout the day today. If we don’t connect, I’ll call again on Thursday so we can continue our conversation.”

This doesn’t remove the other person’s choice. It simply makes our intention clear.

4. Language that apologizes unnecessarily

I call this “over-polite-ing” ourselves out of a conversation. Phrases include: 

• Sorry to bother you
• Sorry to interrupt
• Sorry to keep following up
• Sorry, I just wanted…
• Sorry for taking your time

Asking someone for a legitimate business conversation does not require an apology. When we include “sorry”, we are telling the other person we believe the conversation is a bother. 

5. Fillers that weaken precision

We don’t want to eliminate language that feels comfortable to us. We don’t want to sound robotic or like we are always reading a script. What we do want is to achieve clarity. Here are some words that can “muddy” our message: 

• sort of
• kind of
• basically
• actually
• really
• you know
• like

When we are clear about our intent and the purpose of a conversation, our language naturally becomes more confident. 

Also, habitual phrases have become rampant in both business emails and conversations, yet they don’t really “say” anything. They include “I’m touching base,” “I’m checking in”, and “I’m following up.” 

“Follow-up” describes what you are doing. It doesn’t explain why the conversation matters to the other person. So instead of “I’m following up on the proposal,” try “I’m calling about the proposal we discussed Tuesday because you mentioned the implementation deadline was important.”

Don’t mistake confidence for aggression

Sometimes when I share this advice with teams, I get pushback like, “That’s too aggressive for me.” 

Sounding pushy is never the goal – or the outcome. For example: 

• It is aggressive to say, “I need an answer today.” It is confident to say, “Let’s continue our conversation.” 
• It is aggressive to say, “I’ll keep calling you until I reach you.” It is confident to say, “I’ll call you again on Thursday.” 

Clear, confident language is courteous. It saves time, builds trust and creates strong relationships.

Mindset Shift

Don’t apologize or minimize a worthwhile conversation. Instead, use clear language to explain why it’s worthwhile.

Try This This Week

For one day, listen for the language you use when making requests, following up or beginning conversations. Pay particular attention to: just, hopefully, maybe, wondering, possibly, sorry, checking in, touching base.

Choose one phrase you use habitually and ask yourself: What do I really want to communicate here?

Then try something new. Instead of “I’m just following up,” try “I’m calling because.” Instead of “I was hoping we could,” try “I’d like us to.” Instead of “Sorry to bother you,” try “Let’s take a few minutes to talk about…?”

Then notice how your conversations are clearer, more purposeful and more confident. And also notice how the outcomes of your conversations start to change. 

Our language doesn’t need to be perfect. It does need to reflect the value of what we are saying.